Clyne & Henderson In, Matip Out

Clyne & Henderson In, Matip Out

Hello, good evening and welcome to a brief and final Latest News, of the week, where absolutely nothing is wrong. What could be wrong? That television? It was always broken, what of it? Yes, that computer monitor too. The radio too, yeah. What are you implying? Everything's fine. WE SAID IT'S FINE. Football is supposed to be the hot refreshing shower that we take after the increasingly batshit events of the world have sullied us daily. However, on a day when …
Lallana Trumps Them All Says Molby

Lallana Trumps Them All Says Molby

Today, as the people of the United States prepare for the inauguration of a dangerously unhinged vulgarian and the good folk of Britain brace themselves before going through an exit door marked 'Are You Absolutely Sure?' the rest of the world seems to be increasingly riven by conflict and chaos. 2017: it's going great. Amidst such all-pervasive upheaval, it is hardly surprising that within the comparatively insignificant world of football, some seem to be losing their bearings. Bad decisions and …
Is James Milner a Good Left-Back?

Is James Milner a Good Left-Back?

Xabi Alonso, Thanks for the Memories

Xabi Alonso, Thanks for the Memories

"Woah-oo-ah-ah-ooo We've got the best midfield in the world! We've got Xabi Alonso, Momo Sissoko, Gerrard and Mascherano-ooo"
The good old days eh? As we enter the crunch period in the Premier League, Liverpool fans are going to have to prepare their goodbyes for Xabi Alonso, a man of beauty, on and off the ball. He may have left Liverpool in 2009, but after 149 appearances, 15 goals, 28 assists and 2 unforgettable victories in the Champions League and …
Lethal Lucas Strikes Again

Lethal Lucas Strikes Again

Most of the Liverpool fans I know for certain to be actual corporeal beings don't have a lot of time for Lucas Leiva as a footballer. In stark contrast, those with whom I only have virtual interactions seem to almost uniformly love the amiable Brazilian. As is often the way in the odd life through which Latest News lurches, the people who live in the computer are often more simpatico. They may not be real but this collection of novelty …
Mignolet: Everyone Chips In

Mignolet: Everyone Chips In

Recently, Latest News has been succumbing to an innate desire to ramble but every so often one of Liverpool's finest has so much to say for themselves that the bulk of this column will be their words and you, dear reader, are spared the meandering nonsense and anecdotal piffle that often greets the wary click of your mouse. This morning is such an occasion, for in an interview with the Liverpool Echo, Simon Mignolet, that figure of so much fan …
Klopp: Matip Did Nothing Wrong

Klopp: Matip Did Nothing Wrong

Irrespective of one's political leanings, and trust me, readers, there will never be any such divisive talk here in the paragraphs of Latest News, it is hard to ignore the aptness of Leon Trotsky's take on administrative red tape as it might be applied to the triangle of inertia between FIFA, Fédération Camerounaise de Football and Liverpool's Joel Matip. The neatly bearded Marxist revolutionary and theorist opined that "there is no justice in bureaucracy for the individual, for bureaucracy caters only to itself. …
Coutinho: We Have Big Objectives

Coutinho: We Have Big Objectives

In the early hours of Monday morning, with the latent antipathy towards Manchester United still pulsing in the back of our poor battered heads, Latest News used the platform provided by AI Towers to witter inanely about the Sky Sports narrative that Liverpool's performance had ruined. There were so many glaring examples of a bias in the presentation of that narrative that your scribbler could not possibly have mentioned them all in what is supposed to be a quick read …
Playing United Still Leaves Me in Bits

Playing United Still Leaves Me in Bits

I hate playing United, me. I love beating them, that bit is fantastic and gives me a sense of satisfaction that is difficult to explain. The losing part pretty much goes without saying, especially with our old mucker Jose in charge of them now, but I just hate playing them. Maybe it's down to my blood pressure resembling a thermometer in the Nevada dessert at midday before the game even kicks off - the word tense doesn't come close. I …
Daniel Sturridge: Give the Man a Break!

Daniel Sturridge: Give the Man a Break!

In a recent interview, Daniel Sturridge claimed that he believed he was Liverpool's best striker. Yet in the comments section below the online article, a debate raged over Sturridge again, with familiar words and phrases banded around. A select few are below: Arrogant Selfish Injury prone Poor attitude Incompatible Once again, Daniel Sturridge is criticised and hounded for doing next to nothing. It's about time we give this player a break. Daniel Sturridge, since arriving to the club has, in my …
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