The Liverpool changing room. Morale is high after the late Tottenham win but that’s not enough for Brendan Rodgers. The owners are in town and he needs to make an impression.
Brendan: “Listen, lads, fantastic effort tonight. It’s a great win, you all showed great technical ability. Even you, Dejan, you made no mistakes when coming on so the #LFCFamily will be pleased.”
The players all have a laugh whilst the manager flashes back to eating a Haribo tangfastic and due to reflex starts pouting at the sour memory it left him.
Brendan: “However, business is business and one win doesn’t make us Champions. We won tonight for Lucas”
Startled by the attention, Lucas who was sat on the Physio bench, slams shut his laptop before anyone could see the DM’s he wasn’t sending…
The boss continues “With Lucas out injured I have a few decisions to make. Do I change the system, revert back to a back four, or do I use a different midfielder in place of him. These are decisions myself and Colin can’t make. So instead, for the first time ever we’re hosting a Survivor Series Wrestling match at Melwood. Those of you that want to start will compete against those who currently hold the position you want.”
*Melwood*
Brendan Rodgers walks to where the pitch used to be, flanked by Colin Pascoe and Mike Marsh, the boss is speaking in their direction but not to them.
Brendan: “I suppose its lucky that Jon Flanagan has equipment for a wrestling ring isn’t it? Not sure the budget has enough left in it for a ring, announcers table and equipment.”
“Yes boss” Colin begins “Jon has his own backyard wrestling business, all started after the Spurs win when people saw his excitement about winning and the lads christened him ‘The Lob on’ so he made that his wrestling persona.”
“What’s his finishing move?” Brendan asks whilst chuckling to himself.
The scene is set. The boss and Colin Pascoe take their seats at the announcers table with Jose Enrique managing the camera.
“First up folks we have Dejan Lovren, he’s coming out to ‘I need you’ by Ndubz and my notes say that’s in reference to needing the fans to like him. We said they didn’t need to dress up but he’s dressed in a Superman costume.” Says a smiling Brendan Rodgers.
“Some might called that arrogant” Colin Pascoe pipes up.
“Next up is *laughs to himself* The Parisian Anaconda, I think that’s in homage to The Texas Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Wait a minute Colin, what’s this??!”
*Tina Turner – Simply the best blares out around Melwood*
“OMG BRENDAN, HE’S HERE. HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE INJURED BUT THE ICON IS HERE. IT’S GERRARD.” Screams Colin, the strain on his shorts evident.
Steven Gerrard makes his way towards Brendan and Colin, steel chair in hand before placing it down and taking a seat beside them.
“I want to see who’ll be succeeding me. The fight they have and if they deserve it. It being the title I currently have. The winner get’s it and my blessing” he says to an awe-struck Colin Pascoe.
*The Tina Turner music stops and is replaced by ‘1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you’*
“Wait a minute, Stevie” Brendan begins before the lights go out.
“It’s not Freddy, It’s Sakho! Where is he?!”
The music gets louder and becomes clearer.
‘1, 2, Sakho is coming for you’
“Dejan” Rodgers begins, “Why are you out of the ring and holding my arm?”
*The lights appear and the French Vice Captain is in the middle of the ring*
“Fraud” The Parisian Anaconda shouts at Dejan, “Botter Le Cul.”
“Dejan, he just said he’s going to kick your arse.”
The rest of the players make their way to the ring. Martin Skrtel has been chosen as the match official due to being a neutral. Dejan makes his way into the ring and Skrtel makes it known that low blows aren’t permitted.
Rodgers : “And so it begins. Colin. The match to decide who gets a game. This will go down as one for the ages.”
The match begins, Sakho geeing up the crowd whilst Lovren lovingly eyes Rodgers.
Sakho makes the first move, a clothesline from nowhere. Whilst Dejan is down Sakho wraps the Superman cape around Dejan’s head and elbow drops onto it.
Sakho screams “Vous Chatte” at the confused Lovren much to the delight of the Liverpool players.
The match continues in similar vein, Sakho dominating despite looking a little bit clumsy in the ring.
Rodgers: “Dejan doesn’t deserve this. Big Mam is using his innocent nature against him. Who else would use a Superman cape as a weapon. It’s not right. Whenever Lovren asks Skrtel to intervene he just drops back and lets play continue right before his eyes.”
Gerrard: “You’re talking crap boss. Dejan is showing he isn’t a singles competitor, he needs to be part of a tag team or a team in general to function. Give Sakho credit for this display of pure dominance.”
Rodgers: “Lovren has showed great heart though, great technical in-ring ability and I’m pleased with his performance, but this has to stop.” He says getting out of his seat.
Colin: “Folks I don’t know where Mr Rodgers is going but he has a football in his hands and a Yellow Bib (for all you Bib Theorists out there). He’s thrown the bib at Lovren and shouted Sakho over to the ropes. WAIT A MINUTE…OH FOR THE LOVE OF FOWLER.”
Brendan Rodgers had thrown the ball above Sakho’s head and Lovren had used his finisher, the flying headbutt, on the unsuspecting Sakho. Brendan Rodgers set Dejan up nicely with the lofted ball, like a red flag to a bull. Sakho had bounced against the ropes and was sprawled out in the middle of the ring.
Lovren gleefully smiles at Rodgers and grabs hold of Skrtel, instructing him to make the count as he jumps on Sakho.
Brendan from ringside: “Ring the goddamn bell, Martin. Do it, or you’re fired”
Gerrard: “I think Rodgers has made his mind up. In a shocking, disgraceful way he’s backed his man to win.”
*”Im too sexy” by Right Said Fred starts*
Gerrard: “Now we’re in business. It’s Emre F***in Can.”
Can: “Martin stop what you’re doing. You know we’ve got a good relationship going. We look solid at the back. We can build on this, but I need Sakho in the trio. Dejan tried to copy my hair. Failed. Dejan tried to play as a RCB. Failed. Dejan even tried to speak to me. He failed. I know what you said Brendan, but…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT BRENDAN SAYS. (homage to The Rock)”
Steven Gerrard gets up from his seat and slides into the ring, lifting Dejan up he hits his finisher ‘The Hollywood’ (an over hit kick straight to the head) and drags Sakho’s arm over Lovren. An incensed Rodgers grabs the title and gets into the ring, and takes out Skrtel with the ‘Under the bus’ finisher and then prepares to hit Gerrard but Sakho ankle taps the boss who falls into Gerrard, pushing him out of the ring.
A masked player makes his way into the ring, eyeing up the title, he picks it up and looks at the two players on the canvas. The title, tight in his hands, appears to inexplicably drop onto Lovren’s head to bust him open. The masked man then once again lays Sakho onto Lovren.
Colin leaves the announcers table and makes his way into the ring, falls to the floor and counts.
*1, 2, 3*
Emre Can races down to the ring and picks Sakho up, the masked player stops them leaving the ring and reveals himself to be Simon Mignolet as the three of them make their way out of the ring, title in hand.
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Worst article I’ve ever read. Sounds like it was proof read by Hendrick. Funny ain’t your thing.
Reading this gave me cancer.
Well those are three minutes of my life I’m never getting back…