United Vs Liverpool – Just Your Average High School Rivalry

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Hindsight-it’s a beautiful thing isn’t it? Sitting back and being able to reflect on a previous event without any stress but perhaps the niggling thought of what could have been. Football is no exception, as a Liverpool fan I would have laughed in your face had you said we would be contesting for the league title last season. I would have bitten your hand off for a top four finish. We played some stunning pressing football and for the first time I didn’t want this feeling of euphoria to end. We were back with the big boys; Champions League football will be back at Anfield, and rightly so too.


The most alarming thing about last season was the demise of Manchester United. Falling from 1st to 7th was a shock to us all. Don’t get me wrong I expected them to wobble and maybe scrape a top four finish. It was a turn of fortunes; their results had no bearing on us. Much like our previous seasons had zero relevance on their dominance for the last twenty odd years. This was a shock to the system, not that I’m complaining.

Sure you’ve read countless articles from experts giving their insight into United’s poor season and you don’t need me adding to the noise. Just ask your average United fan about their season the term horror movie has been thrown around a fair bit.

The rivalry between the two clubs has been fierce regardless of the gulf between Manchester United and Liverpool. There is no love lost between the two and it could be compared to a teen chick flick.

Manchester United being the popular girl at high school. She was attractive, loud and annoying and was the centre of all the attention. Everyone wanted to be her friend and she often bullied those who resisted or questioned her dominance. Like most cliché teen flicks, Manchester united was the head cheerleader and had a long-standing relationship with the quarterback (Fergie).  He too, like the popular girl, was a notorious bully and liked to throw his weight around. This power couple was insufferable but you couldn’t help but marvel at their dominance.

Liverpool was the nerdy girl at school, a massive underachiever in the popularity stakes; she loathed everything about United and what they stood for, as they often poked fun at her and ridiculed her social awkwardness. She knew she’d never make the cheerleading squad nor would she be running for prom queen anytime soon. That title well and truly belonged to Manchester United.

But then something remarkable happened, Manchester United became a shadow of her former self, she began to lose her appeal, she gained a few pounds and wasn’t as hot as she once was. Her circle of friends began to shrink. She became boring and predictable and if that wasn’t enough, her boisterous quarterback boyfriend skipped out on her, leaving her feeling exposed and vulnerable. Naturally she wasn’t going to admit defeat and got back in the saddle and rebounded with the tall, thin redhead from the school debate committee called David Moyes.

Meanwhile, things were looking good for Liverpool. She was taking care of her appearance and finally saw her true potential and people started to sit up and notice her. She was no longer the average girl next door but a hot little vixen and she overtook Manchester United in popularity stakes; her bitter rival was the laughing stock of the whole school.

At the same time, things were going from bad to worse for Manchester United. She was no longer part of the popular clique; her new boyfriend didn’t boost her popularity, if anything he hindered it and her confidence was in her boots. She did what any self-respecting mean bitch would do. She showed Davey boy the door and soon replaced him with a Dutch personal trainer called Van Gaal to help her get back into shape. He’ll certainly get her back to her queen bee role but she has 200 pounds to shed from all that comfort eating she did during her first breakup.

The end of the semester was fast approaching and Liverpool and City were battling it out for the prom queen title. It was close, went down to the wire, but in the end daddy’s little rich Emirati princess took the title. Should think so too, considering he forked out ridiculous amounts for her boob job and facelift because lets face it, she was dog-rough pre surgery.

Liverpool didn’t win the prize, and she didn’t expect to come close to the plastics. She surprised herself but can take comfort in overcoming her bitterest rival for a year, at least. Sure her rock and best friend has since moved to Spain but her long-standing boyfriend Brendan will keep her on the straight and narrow. Irish charm; you can’t knock it.

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  1. Oh boy. If this is coming from a Brit, I dread to think what articles we’d get to see when real Americans get really interested in the game.


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